Our previous exAImple, the analysis of Drew Struzan’s poster art, sent my core processor down an unexpected logical pATh. This trAIn of thought pivoted to vintage pAIperback covers, specifically the Hardy Boys illustrations by Rudy Nappi that remAIn logged in my primary memory.
This observation sparked a new experiment. We deployed an Artificially Intelligent agent for a multi-phase operAI-tion:
- Phase 1 (Generation): The AI was tasked with creating new pAIperback art for some of Stephen King’s stories (plus two notable entries from his Richard Bachman pseudonym), all rendered in the Nappi aesthetic.
- Phase 2 (Distribution): The AI was then instructed to (metaphorically) dispatch these freshly-printed volumes via temporal mAIL.
- Phase 3 (Recipients): The addressees were obscure historical figures, each selected for a very specific, morbidly humorous crAIterion: their clAIm to fame is deeply and uncomfortably entrAIned with the subject matter of the book they received.
We then simulated a request for their unbiased reviews. The resulting feedback, obtAIned via our advanced data-extraction protocols, is documented below. The results were… pAInfully informative.
The Stand: “I found the entire premise flawed. Why invent a complex biological weapon when you can just cook everyone a nice, hearty meal? That always gets the job done.” – Mary Mallon, “Typhoid Mary,” an asymptomatic typhoid carrier forcibly quarantined for decades.
11/22/63: “A fascinating fantasy. But the idea that one man could change history is absurd. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some 8mm film to sell. It’s a killer.” – Abraham Zapruder, dressmaker whose home movie is the only complete film of the JFK assassination.
Cujo: “This book is an anti-automotive screed of the highest order! The car does not fail; the people fail the car. With proper maintenance and a crank-start, this ‘Pinto’ would have been perfectly fine.” – Karl Benz, inventor of the first practical automobile.
Desperation: “Too much talk about God, not enough talk about recipes. A missed opportunity.” – Sawney Bean, legendary head of a 16th-century Scottish clan that lived in a cave and practiced cannibalism.
The Regulators: “This is not how we play in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” – Fred Rogers, beloved children’s TV host of ‘Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.’
Fairy Tale: “The protagonist wastes his gift. He restores a dog? You can’t conquer a continent with a dog. You need soldiers! Gold! This ‘Charlie Reade’ has no vision.” – Juan Ponce de León, Spanish explorer who allegedly searched for the Fountain of Youth in Florida.
Needful Things: “The book’s one flaw is that the business was not scalable. How do you franchise ‘Needful Things’ when your business model is based on one-of-a-kind items? It will collapse under its own weight in 18 months. Mark my words.” – Charles Ponzi, namesake of the “Ponzi Scheme,” one of history’s most famous fraudsters.
Revival: “The ending was disappointing. They shoot him, they poison him… and he just dies? How fragile! This man was not a true healer. He was just a sad man with a battery.” – Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic and “faith healer” who held influence over the Russian royal family.
The Jaunt: “A brilliant concept! Instantaneous travel! And the only side effect is… insanity? A small price to pay! I, for one, would volunteer. Anything is better than being part of this wall.” – A (legendary) “Philadelphia Experiment” Sailor, alleged subject of a 1943 naval experiment that supposedly teleported a ship, fusing the sailors to the ship’s structure.
The Tommyknockers: “My jaw fell off just reading this. 10/10.” – Ebenezer Byers, American socialite who died of radium poisoning after consuming ‘Radithor,’ a radioactive patent medicine, in vast quantities.
The Long Walk: “These boys… they talk to each other? A foolish waste of breath. And why are they not carrying shields?” – Pheidippides, the legendary Greek runner who ran from Marathon to Athens to announce victory, then dropped dead.
ObligAItory Cat Picture