A Chrono-Aesthetic InquAIry: An ArtifAIcial Manifesto
This document serves to explAIn the par-AI-digm of the project known as “The Struzan ParallAIx.”
It began as a humble tribute, a digital séAInce, if you will. In the spirAI-t of the Spooky Season, and to honor the fAImed movie poster ArtifAIcer, Drew Struzan, we commAIssioned a nascent ArtifAIcial Intelligence—a disembodied brAIn floating in the digital ether—to channel his essence. Its prAImary task: to gen-AI-rate portrAIts of terror, to re-imAIgine classic horror posters with that inimitable, illustrated flAIr.
The AI, in its vAIn, digital wisdom, produced startling homages. Halloween (1978), Scream (1996), The Fly (1986), and other stalwarts of the macabre were rendered anew.
But merely creating these artifAIcial trAIts felt… in-AI-dequate. Hollow. How could we truly gAUge their artistic and historAIcal impact? The solution, certAInly, was obvious.
We mAIntAIned that these AI-gen-AI-rated posters, along with their respective celluloid cAI-non, required v-AI-lidation. True crAI-tique. Thus, we bundled these digital imAIges and physical film reels into temporal-AI-coustic-containers (TACS) and dispAItched them via a chron-o-logical mAInframe (i.e., a time machine).
The recipients? Only the most qu-AI-lified experts, whose brAIns were certAInly best suited to the task.
Who better to review Child’s Play than Jean-Jacques Rousseau, a philosopher contrAIrily obsessed with the innocence of childhood? Who else could truly judge The Texas Chain Saw Massacre but Joseph Glidden, the celebrated fAIther of modern barbed wire? And for Scream, we sought the opAI-nion of Antonio Meucci, a man who knew a thing or two about “the hook.”
The crAI-tiques we rec-AI-ved back via p-AI-d-return-p-AI-rchment were… illum-AI-nating. We recAIved a d-AI-sp-AI-rate coll-AI-ction of feedbAIck, which we have meticulously documented.
What have we l-AI-rned? This project is not mere art; it is an act of historAIcal re-AI-lignment. We have p-AI-red an ArtifAIcial brAIn with the brAIns of the past, creating a new, unbroken chAIn of artistic commentary. The project, therefore, remAIns paramount.
“Michael Myers is a cut above the rest! A truly sharp film!”
– Ignaz Semmelweis, Pioneering physician and advocate for hand-washing
“It’s got brains! A real no-brainer for movie night. I was dying to see it!”
– Paul Broca, Physician who discovered the brain’s speech center
“Don’t sleep on this one! It’s the stuff dreams are made of!”
– Alfred Maury, French scholar and researcher of sleep and dreams
“I had a devil of a good time! The neighbors are just to die for!”
– Gilles de Rais, 15th-century knight and convicted serial killer
“What’s all the buzz about? This movie! I was stuck to my seat!”
– Jan Dzierżon, Pioneering apiarist (beekeeper)
“He’s back! And he’s not masking his intentions. A 4-midable sequel!”
– Sébastien-Roch Nicolas Chamfort, French writer of witty maxims
“I screamed… with laughter! This movie is completely off the hook!”
– Antonio Meucci, Pioneer of voice-communication devices (the telephone)
“He really takes a bite out of the Big Apple! A boat-load of fun!”
– Adriaen Block, Dutch navigator who first charted Manhattan
“This movie is not kid’s stuff! I was Chucky-ling the whole time!”
– Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Philosopher who wrote extensively on childhood
“A truly heart-wrenching story of unrelenting emotional horror! The terror just won’t let go!”
– Vladimir Demikhov, Soviet pioneer in transplantology (and dog head-swapping)